Utopia (12): Hmm… Caren :-)
May 19, 2007 1 Comment
Caren’s dwelling was furnished rather simply but still it wasn’t cold. I’m sitting down on the sofa and looking around. Appliances around are very similar to those I have in my flat – so in most cases their function is not exactly obvious for me (because I haven’t tried most of them except computer).
– “This is all yours?” I’m asking. “I mean flat, and so.”
– “Yes, mine.”
– “Aren’t you a bit young to be able to afford all those things – and flat in the first place?”
– “Well, most of things you see are mine and dwelling itself is mortgaged. I repay it in next 18 years.”
– “Mhm, so it’s kinda similar to my previous situation. Flats in our area were rather expansive so we took mortgage with my girlfriend but we were able to afford it with earnings in IT sector.”
– “That your ‘kinda’…” Caren is smiling. “First time you mentioned you have a partner.”
– “Well… on the other side.”
– “How is she?” Caren is checking the fridge. She seems to want to ask me what I want but then she obviously decides on her own.
– “Hm, hard to say. We were about to wed in a matter of months. I’m not good in descriptions. 🙂 What I like is that she has many male qualities and still she’s a woman. She is sensible but also sensitive, she use to be calm, intelligent, smart, good party for me. 🙂 Plus I like to have few things on my own and she’s … let’s say submissive in those areas. And I’m not talking about sex now. I mean real life… she somehow likes it that way. That I’m the one who has the final word in those things where I insist. She has her last word in other areas. Hm… it’s funny, when I’m talking about it it seems that the best thing on our relation is that we do not collide in bad way. I like it.”
Caren is bringing drinks and she’s sitting down next to me.
– “What are those things you like them to be according to you?”
– “Hm… you see – I’m trying to tell you as much as I can so I’m talking on meta-level sometimes. I was expressing how I feel it. Also… funny is that we’re not shouting on each other in normal situations, but I can cry to her when we’re playing computer games. No problem with that. I simply like her – the way she accepts me.”
– “Ok, I see that I have to find out on my own what must be done as you like it,” Caren smiles. “Do you accept her the way she does?”
– “I think so. For me acceptation, respect and similar things are quite high on my scale. They are in some aspects more universal than friendship – because you can’t be friend with everyone – I guess.”
– “Yeah… you can’t.”
For a few seconds we’re just sipping our drinks. Then Caren asks:
– “Are you faithful? You know I mean intimate life.”
– “Hm… we have let’s say open relation. I guess we both feel it is not less firm because of that. It’s complicated in some points but I don’t regret those problems.”
– “After all it has some advantages. :-)”
– “Why you were asking?”
– “Hm… I guess that faithful partner wouldn’t be so interested in me like you are. Or you’re just extremely pragmatic and you realize that in this world you have no duties to her. Although it’s just my construction and you could still feel it different.”
– “I could. But no – I had the privilege of being allowed to flirt – and more than that – with women. While I can convince her that she’s the most important.”
– “Now I’m miles away from judging you. 🙂 As you can see me with Felix have open relationship too. And it’s working. I just know that in … more traditional societies – although for me it’s bit euphemistic designation – couples have troubles leading life in more open manner. Most of them.”
– “Most of them don’t even want to – of course,” I have to point out the real cause.
– “Yes, of course. Why you decided to live like this?”
– “Well… we both have some experiences with divorce – either our parents or – in my case – with previous wife. That doesn’t mean that human shifts toward more liberal view of partnership – but I was always thinking like that. More or less. I lived with unsatisfying sex without being allowed to have it elsewhere. I didn’t like that. Monopoly isn’t good even in this area of life. 🙂 Not that I wanna say that feelings should be compared to market economy – of course.”
– “Of course,” Caren semi-agreed with some irony in voice. “Love is not … institution 🙂 where you should change just because of better sex. Especially when making love with fresh partner is a bit misleading and you can easily misjudge your previous experiences.”
– “Exactly!” I pointed to her. “It looks like you have some theory around this!”
– “Well, I do because we’re taught in school in those subjects. I’m a bit surprised that you have your theory so thought out – when you say you came from society where monogamy is standard.”
– “Sometimes I’m thinking too much.”
– “Well – I bet!” Caren agrees with chuckle.
I’m looking at Caren and with all that alcohol in blood I want her more and more. Not that I wouldn’t want her being sober – but you just know how it works. I have to chuckle thinking about it all. Caren, drinking, tickling in my stomach…
– “What?” Caren asks tossing her hair… I’d swear it was in defiance.
I shook my head. “You know…”
– “I don’t.” 🙂
I shook my head again.
– “I just don’t know. After few drinks I don’t know if the things I see are real or only what I want to believe.”
– “Aha.” 🙂
– “And thinking how it would be without that. When I was younger I felt it like ‘using’ alcohol was actually cheating. Now I just don’t care.”
– “While both of us don’t care it’s alright.”
– “The other thing is that I can’t imagine you backing off. Because so far you either just let me in in area I wanted or … or I was fighting with myself if I want to do something.”
– “And are you winning?”
– “I’m sure you’re enjoying watching it.”
– “As you are – more or less – enjoying talking it.”
– “Aren’t you really tired of myself?”
– “I don’t know what to say. No – really – I’m not. But saying that is just what you need to hear for you to be assured. Whatever it is you need.”
I’m looking to her eyes. For a while she looks a bit more serious – but that might be just my imagination because I realize that her face is still smiling. Just the impression from how she looked for a while.
– “Look, Gavin. Can you accept when I say stop?”
– “So tell me what’s bothering you? Because – although I have no problem to assure you million times – I just don’t know why you need it.”
– “Now… I don’t wanna skip the answer – but do they teach you this in schools too?”
– “M’not sure what you mean, but no… you’re just out of typical patterns so you’re suspect. :-)”
– “Aha,” I smirked. “So what’s bothering me? Maybe my stupid past. Maybe I broke up with girl when I was 14 and she declared she didn’t want to know me again. And again the same story later. First time because I wasn’t able to kiss her for months and second time I have no clue. I just hate uncertainty.”
– “Hey, Gavin… we work together and I want to have fair relation with you. I like you, you’re even more attractive now with all the new stuff. It’s even semi-funny to assure you that you’re dealing well. I enjoy any flirt with you but now if you want something you’re the one who have to press.”
– “And,” Caren continues before I could say something, “of course if you do nothing tonight I have no problem with it. And yes – I will keep wanting to know you on.”
I noddled with understanding.
– “Satisfied?” Caren asks.
– “Yes,” we clinked the glasses to seal that. “I know I’m talking unnecessary things, you know that I want you, I was just afraid to make things worse – because even without touching you – or whatever more – I’m enjoying this moment.”
– “You’ve already touched me! :-)”
– “Yeah,” I smiled coming with the idea. “But it was just the dance!” 🙂
– “Just the dance?! I’ll kill you!” Caren was obviously in a previous good mood again.
– “Ah, I thought it involves some fight and some contact – but while you don’t want to touch me it’s hard to kill me.”
– “Hey! Don’t provoke me – you’re supposed to be touching me – you’re the active man and I should be your victim. I expect you to have the last word and you expect me to be submissive – or wasn’t it like that?”
– “Well, you mixed it up a little but it sounds good.” I put my glass on the table and I shifted myself toward her.
– “I really don’t want to look so uncertain and so vulnerable – I just can’t help myself,” I noticed lightly. I put my hand on her shoulder and caress her nape looking into her eyes. She was obviously far from backing off and that is exactly the point where my doubts go away very quickly. I moved my hand down across her bosom – somehow testing her intimate zones – but she was already alright with the situation and I spotted nice sparks in her eyes.
– “I like you – even if it’s rushed,” I say to her.
– “I like it even if it’s rushed,” she replies.
I took her behind her nape again and pulled her closer gently. Our first kiss was a bit cautious – but definitely not cold. I was completely electrified.
– “You know what’s funny?” I’m asking after a while.
– “You tell me. :-)”
– “I really do want to talk about some interesting things before it turns out like this. I’m not saying I don’t want to kiss you – of course! Just that…” I stopped in a need of a proper word.
– “Gav,” Caren smiles at me, “I guess I know. And after all – the mystery is gone – I want you. Whoever you are. I know your outside and I like your inside so far. And we still have hours to chat.”
– “Even now if you want, but I suggest to go to bed.”
– “Ah… sounds good to me.”
– “To sleep I mean,” Caren chuckles. “We have a busy day tomorrow.”
I nodded. “I bet. Ok… so that bed.” 🙂